Pet Rules

by Shane Holden – January 10, 2008

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door – nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

Oscar says:

January 10, 2008 at 3:42 pm

ROFL.
This is great. I know exactly what you mean.

Kjun says:

January 10, 2008 at 5:42 pm

LOLlllllllll

Debra says:

January 10, 2008 at 6:01 pm

“Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.”

My cat claims this is a gross falsehood and demands you retract it immediately. She doesn’t like it hen I tell her this either.

isabel alves says:

January 10, 2008 at 6:10 pm

heheh… i’m glad to see that i’m not the only one that tries to talk some good sense into her/his pets… i too know what it feels to be followed into the WC, or to find my dinner missing ^_^

Raylee says:

January 10, 2008 at 6:40 pm

OMG!!! I KNEW that I wasn’t the only one who has the smallest amount of space in my bed….but it’s nice to hear about someone elses deal. The bathroom thing….HILARIOUS! I don’t remember the last time I was allowed to go to the potty by myself.

Deb says:

January 10, 2008 at 8:50 pm

Every one of these rules are true. Just ask Ace my Boxer/Great Dane mix. Some how he ends up with his feet about 3 inches from my face and I just pray he doesn’t have one of those dreams where he is running. I would hate to get a blood nose in my sleep.

kelly says:

January 11, 2008 at 1:13 pm

Every pet owner can relate to these words they are so true and we can even find the humor of each. My animals think they own the bed and always weezel there way closer..lol

Wild Dog says:

January 11, 2008 at 2:05 pm

I just got a big Swiss Mountain Dog and I’m living this. One morning our houseguest left the gate open downstairs, and next thing I know there’s a 120 lb dog crashing through my bed (with me in it!)

Mary Wallace says:

January 11, 2008 at 6:06 pm

All totally true; we have a little 12 pound Manx who somehow manages to take up two-thirds of our queen-sized bed. He also treats the tiled hallway and living room like a race track… *sigh*

terry says:

January 11, 2008 at 10:21 pm

I am posting these rules as soon as possible for my furry friends. I’ll be adding things such as please wake up and bark to let me know someone is pulling into the driveway such as the UPS person. Please leave room for me to work in the kitchen to prepare meals, instead of leaving me a pattern like Twister on the floor. I have a 145lb mix (his momma was a GDane) and a 60lb mix Aus.Shep. Love em

Caren says:

January 11, 2008 at 10:23 pm

Thank you SO MUCH! I was having a really bad day and stumbling into this made me laugh. Actually, it made me laugh out loud (really. I’m surprised my mom didn’t barge in to tell me to shut up).
This was amazing.

Shelia says:

January 13, 2008 at 10:06 pm

I love it! It is great! I have a Black Lab and he sleeps like a rolled up blanket turned any sort of way. Thanks for sharing!!

Donna says:

January 13, 2008 at 10:41 pm

Thank you Thank you!
These were just the rules I’ve been looking for My poodle, yorkie and cat are always chasing each other, tripping me and doing the butt then kiss me thing – ugh!!! I sure hope they can read this….

Amy says:

January 15, 2008 at 8:29 pm

The bathroom one is the best!
But they are all necessary rules

katzes says:

January 29, 2008 at 3:13 pm

i know just how you feel ,i have a munskin cat he thinks he’s human instead of a cat

paul says:

February 1, 2008 at 10:04 pm

I tell my Border Collie these rules all of the time. He also thinks that I can’t open the door fast enough and must jump at the slightest sign of sunlight.