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No Longer So Afraid

If you would have asked me on November 3, 2010, what I thought about dying, I would have told you it scares me, a lot.  It’s not because of the way I’ve lived, or my faith, etc., because I’ve lived a very conservative lifestyle, completely believe in God, etc.  I would have explained that dying without ever getting married, having a family, all of the things that I truly want to do more than anything, would have been the biggest disappointment that could have ever been for me.  But now, from November 4th on, I’m not as afraid anymore.  For some reason, knowing that I’ll see Mom again then, comforts the idea of that for me.

In a way, it sort of scares me that caring about doing all those things are at the very back of my mind now.  It scares me that 3.5 weeks later, I’ve yet to gain any of my interests back.  The past 3.5 weeks have been a complete blur.  Maybe it’s just how I’m naturally grieving?  I’ve never done this before, so I don’t know.  I’ve lost three family members, all Grandparents, all before the 4th grade.  My two Grandpas passed away when we were 2 or 3, so I don’t even remember how that felt then.  My Mom’s Mother passed away when I was in the 4th grade, and I know I hurt a lot then, but I was just a kid.  Maybe it’s just because of our closeness?  This is my first time dealing with something like this, and I hope my last, at least for a very long while, because I can’t handle another anytime soon.

My emotions have been on high since Mom died, and it very well could be this contributing to my change in feelings towards this.  I know I need to get that back, at least to some extent, the desire of doing all of those things I want before it’s time for me to check out, or else my life is going to continue to be a blur.  The wound on my heart is still very fresh, and perhaps only time can help heal the hurt and return those desires, at least I hope so.