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I Worry

Worrying is bad, it really is, but it is human. You have to worry, you have to feel, you have to care, or else life would almost seem worthless. Worrying simply means you care. No one worries for the fun of worrying, because there is no fun in it at all!

I worry about Dad, alot.  He misses Mom so much.  I can tell by not having her to call and talk to through the day that he is lonely, because we talk more now than we ever have.  He visits the cemetery almost weekly, if not a couple of times a week if he goes to McCaysville.  I would guess that he’s stopped by and visited over 75 times if you count any multiple stops in the same day.  It hurts to know that he hurts and misses her that much, but it also comes with it’s bitter-sweetness of seeing that love like that truly does exist in the world.

I worry about him for that reason, but also because I’m afraid that he is sick.  It’s something that keeps me up most nights.  I saw last year how quickly someone can go from being healthy and well, to fighting for their life and leaving us for Heaven.  Dad is sometimes nauseous, sometimes so weak that he can’t get moving in the morning to go to work, sometimes in bed until we are about to leave, chronic belching.  Signs that could be something as “little” as ulcers, to something as horrible as cancer.  Something you don’t just wait around for or recommend “band-aids.”  He’s lived off the band-aid of Malox for the last 4 months, and is now trying a prescription of Nexium after a basic blood test.  The Nexium isn’t helping, and that’s not good.

I don’t believe the approach of ignoring it and diagnosing it as ulcers is the smart thing to do.  I think it’s the ludicrous thing to do.  Especially after seeing how fragile life really is.  Especially after seeing how one single second is the difference between being here on earth with us, or being in Heaven.

I also worry because for some, there’s seemingly no worry at all about Dad.  ”Give it time” or “we’re closer than we were.”  There is no closer, because there is a point in time when something goes from not bad, to untreatable.  And I pray that point in time wasn’t months ago.  But of course, I’m probably just overreacting…

If you’re willing to gamble and can live with the chances of being right, as well as wrong, that’s your prerogative.  But I can’t afford to.