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Christmas, Then & Now

Christmas in my adult life was never about presents, never about what I was going to get or any built-up excitement over receiving material things.  Of course I was always grateful for anything that I did receive, but that was never what Christmas was about for me.  Christmas was the time of year that never changed in which our family would get together.  That’s what made it special.  The day that no matter what, wouldn’t be missed by anyone.

When we were growing up, my Mom’s side of the family would all go to her Mother’s place on Christmas Day, and Thanksgiving as well.  I can barely remember any of it now to be honest.  It was always a large sized group, my family, aunts, uncles, cousins, pretty much everyone.  She had an apartment off of Murray Ave, that even with the fact that it was a small place, worked perfectly.

After my Grandma died, the get togethers continued for a few years alternating between her children’s houses each year.

But just like what normally always happens, after parents die, siblings begin dropping out of those traditional get togethers to just do their own family’s things.  Parents are always the bond that keep them together.

On my Dad’s side, it was always to go to my Grandma’s house usually on Christmas Eve, and spend some time with her.  This side of my family was always just the five of us and her.  This pretty much has continued all the way up til last year.

This year will certainly be different.  Honestly, as far as our house goes, I don’t want a Christmas tree, lights, ornaments, etc.  I want Christmas in the Holden house this year to pass with hardly a notice.  That’s because, like Thanksgiving, I just don’t have the heart for it.  Some argue that we should “honor” Mom, and do the tree and everything just as if nothing happened.  But that’s easy to say if you’re not in my shoes, or if you are already over it (or through it).  I just cannot believe that if I had died instead of Mom, that she would carry on through the holidays as if nothing had happened.  I know Mom well enough to know that without a doubt.  I don’t think she would be upset with me at all for how hard I’m taking her being gone.  She knew that I was tender and soft-hearted.  In fact, she told me that just a few weeks prior, and that I should keep it that way and not let life turn it cold.  And I will try my hardest to do that.

Christmas may one day turn back into something similar to what it was.  But not this year.  Maybe next year, maybe not.  Maybe it won’t again until I have a family of my own.  It’s hard to say at this point.

Wow, all of these pictures with my Mom in them tear me up :/