if all were to leave
one person that never will
will always be me
I wouldn’t doubt that every one of us dreamed about Mom last night. Right now I was supposed to be sitting in a waiting room, worrying about her as she had her surgery. For this was supposed to be the day. The day that she was supposed to endure another operation to be healed of the horrible cancer and give us many more years with her. The day that we could walk into the hospital room and feel the happiness and love from her and us fill the room from seeing each other again afterwords. The day from which my Mom & Dad would start making special plans for their 40th wedding anniversary next July. The day that I would thank God for giving my family a second miracle in a single year. But that’s just the way that I thought things were supposed to happen, not Him. Perhaps the surgery wasn’t going to go well, or they were going to have complications. Perhaps life afterwords would have been miserable for Mom. Or perhaps even worse.
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.
Washington Irving
If you would have asked me on November 3, 2010, what I thought about dying, I would have told you it scares me, a lot. It’s not because of the way I’ve lived, or my faith, etc., because I’ve lived a very conservative lifestyle, completely believe in God, etc. I would have explained that dying without ever getting married, having a family, all of the things that I truly want to do more than anything, would have been the biggest disappointment that could have ever been for me. But now, from November 4th on, I’m not as afraid anymore. For some reason, knowing that I’ll see Mom again then, comforts the idea of that for me.
In a way, it sort of scares me that caring about doing all those things are at the very back of my mind now. It scares me that 3.5 weeks later, I’ve yet to gain any of my interests back. The past 3.5 weeks have been a complete blur. Maybe it’s just how I’m naturally grieving? I’ve never done this before, so I don’t know. I’ve lost three family members, all Grandparents, all before the 4th grade. My two Grandpas passed away when we were 2 or 3, so I don’t even remember how that felt then. My Mom’s Mother passed away when I was in the 4th grade, and I know I hurt a lot then, but I was just a kid. Maybe it’s just because of our closeness? This is my first time dealing with something like this, and I hope my last, at least for a very long while, because I can’t handle another anytime soon.
I want to first say that this wasn’t due to lack of effort. My brother and SIL put a lot of effort in trying to make it be as normal as possible, and I thank you two greatly for that. And I’m sorry that it didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to.
It sucked because the first Thanksgiving without Mom couldn’t have gone any other way. Thanksgiving and Christmas was Mom’s two favorite holidays. She was so excited about Thanksgiving this year. The last doctor appointment that Dad took her to, she made sure with the doctor that she would be able to have some turkey and other things on Thanksgiving, even if her surgery was on the 29th. She was so excited that he said yes. Every few days for the prior few weeks Mom would ask us something about Thanksgiving, or mention getting things ready for it. She couldn’t wait.
if there is one thing
that makes everything okay
it’s the sight of you
I was surprised to see that in Physical Phil’s house was a poster for Trapt. Even if one of my favorite band’s music didn’t make it into one of my favorite shows, a poster is close enough.
Season 1 – Ep. 1 – “Pilot”
Hug From You Again
Mom—you’re in that special place
where you’re free from all that pain.
Oh, what I would gladly give
for just one more hug again.Daily I sit in sorrow
that you were taken away.
The hardest day of my life
was when you left us that day.On a notepad, words you wrote,
Dad found just the other day.
It brings tears to my sad eyes.
I’ll paraphrase what you say:“I start chemo tomorrow
and not sure what to expect,
but I just want my life back
and to be back at my best.My family, they need me,
and I, I of course need them.”
Oh, it hurts so much right now,
but we’ll all see you again.The Angels, they prepared you,
you always called them your friends.
Now you’re in that special place
that is peaceful with no end.One day we will understand
and be freed from all this pain.
Oh, I simply cannot wait
for a hug from you again.Continue Reading..
Plot summary: Unstoppable, a 20th Century Fox drama about a runaway train carrying a cargo of toxic chemicals. Pits an engineer and his conductor in a race against time. They’re chasing the runaway train in a separate locomotive and need to bring it under control before it derails on a curve and causes a toxic [...]
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.
Robert Brault
There’s countless little things that I notice day-to-day that make my aching heart ache even more. The picture above is of a couple of the last notes that my Mom wrote for us to find when they would leave in the mornings on the weekends to go to the mountains. Notes like these I will forever miss.
The little things were always the big things. The missing little things are the daily reminders that what happened is real, and the little things that would have been, can now no longer be.
The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable pre-requisite for success.
—
© Copyright 2007-2012 Shane Holden
All Rights Reserved.
