A list of the albums I’ve enjoyed listening to during 2010:
Released during 2010:
This year has carried such a range of emotions, feelings, and events. I was the most scared I have ever been. I was the most happy I have ever been. I was the most worried I have ever been. And now I am the most broken I have ever been.
The most scared
It breaks my heart to even relive the events of this time in my mind. Imagine us getting ready to go to bed the night before Mom’s high risk surgery, stopping by my parents hotel room to tell them good night, and thinking that this could very well be the last time. So by thinking that, we each took a picture with Mom, each knowing that she may very well die the next morning. We got up at like 4am the next morning, went to the hospital, and from there she had to leave us to get ready for surgery. We get the word that we can go back and see her before the operation starts while she is still in the pre-op room. Mom was sitting there with her hospital gown on as we all gathered around her, all wanting to hold her hands and hug her for the short time that we could. The doctor came in, talked to all of us, and then it was time to begin. I’ll never forget how scared I was as she was rolled away, with her hand in the air waving, and saying “I love you guys.”
First white Christmas I’ve ever seen.
A few photos from this set
That’s about the best way I can describe it. Sunday night, we learned that a neighbor that used to lived in our subdivision for years passed away unexpectedly. This was a man that we saw for the first time in years just a few weeks ago at the funeral home for Mom. A man that was completely full of life when I last saw him is now gone. I was completely shocked to hear it. I think it could partly be because I know to a degree what the loss of a parent feels like now, even though it’s never the same. It’s like we were talking about on Friday night, no one’s pain or hurt from losing someone is ever the same as anyone else’s, even mine and Chase’s is different, but just knowing that someone else might be hurting like I am, hurts.
Tonight we went to the funeral home to be there for his wife and son. I now know what it’s like to have someone there during a time when your world is crushed. I know the difference that it makes. Seeing my friends made me smile on the inside, and I hope that we helped create smiles on the inside of them tonight as well.
Dinner this evening easily ranks today as one of the best days this year. It was filled with great conversation, catching up, and laughs for hours with an amazing person. It was the epitome of how a Friday evening should go. Complete awesomeness!
I originally wrote this elsewhere on October 25, 2010. Little did I know that less that just 2 weeks later, things would change so very much. I’m posting it here to centralize my thoughts and feelings into this one place.
I’ve been asked numerous times over the past year or so, what keeps me here. I’m not sure if I appear unhappy, or what the deal is, but it’s almost like I’m expected to just up and leave one day with no definite date of return. What keeps me here? I’m sure the average 25 year old could come up with an ongoing list of reasons to stay put. I’d even go as far to say that the average 21 year old at this point could. Family, kids, house, career, friends, etc. Heck, if I could come up with a list anywhere near that, I’d see no reason at all to ever want to leave. I am no where near where I always thought I would be at 25, and I’m rapidly approaching 26. Depressing, it is…
Christmas in my adult life was never about presents, never about what I was going to get or any built-up excitement over receiving material things. Of course I was always grateful for anything that I did receive, but that was never what Christmas was about for me. Christmas was the time of year that never changed in which our family would get together. That’s what made it special. The day that no matter what, wouldn’t be missed by anyone.
When we were growing up, my Mom’s side of the family would all go to her Mother’s place on Christmas Day, and Thanksgiving as well. I can barely remember any of it now to be honest. It was always a large sized group, my family, aunts, uncles, cousins, pretty much everyone. She had an apartment off of Murray Ave, that even with the fact that it was a small place, worked perfectly.
When you lose someone, you gain a sense of value on what ends up being one of the most important things in our lives—memories. You learn to make them. Make as many of them as you possibly can with those that you want to always remember. As well as those that you’d like to be remembered by. Because at the end of the day, that is all you truly ever have of someone that can’t be taken from you. People can leave you, people can be taken from you, but memories cannot. You can never have too many good memories. That is simply impossible.
I sometimes catch myself fixing to ask Dad when I see him, how Mom is feeling—and it hits me. Sometimes on Facebook, some photos will show up in the sidebar of Mom either from holidays, or some mobile uploads from Baltimore—and it hits me. Every day when we come home from work, and Mom isn’t at the kitchen door waving to greet us—it hits me. When I scroll through my contact list on my phone, and run across “Mom”—it hits me. One day last week we were eating lunch with our SIL, and I said, “So how’s M…” because for weeks she was seeing her each morning before we met up for lunch, and naturally—it hit me. When we’re laying out steak or chicken or something to fix for dinner, and I miscount because I can’t get used there being 4-5, instead of 5-6—it hits me.
And every time it hits me, it hurts.
Watch your thougts, they become words. —
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.